Just what did we do before pizza cutters or wet wipes? Society has been transformed. That’s progress for you!


… you were granted the power to breathe underwater OR to fly, what would you choose?

Of course, what they don’t show you in films like Superman or Spider-man is that all that flying in the air is likely to lead to a BIG bug/fly build up over your face/mask - how can you then snog Lois/Mary Jane?

Would you really kiss him?

King of ALL root vegetables…

Roast parsnips - period!

Unless you know better?


Broccoli Spears or Britney Spears?






Being a regularly bullied child, upon being asked by my headteacher what I wanted to be - I replied, without hestitation, “an elephant with teeth and claws”. I rationalised, an elephant is rather big, and wouldn’t be picked on. The class roared with laughter. I forgot I had large sticky-out ears. I quickly acquired the nickname, Dumbo … kids can be so cruel. (I still aspire to be an elephant with teeth and claws - Raaarrrarhhh!)

Jousting with Jasper the cat


My cat Jasper is a little monster at times. I like to joust with Jasper before I head up to bed (but not before I have had my malty drink). Jousting with Jasper takes many forms. I usually yank a bamboo stick out of the pot of my cheese plant and smear a little tuna mayo at the end. I dangle it (tantalisingly) before Jasper’s inquistive eyes. Like a puppeteer (think John Cusack in Being John Malkovich), I manaoevre the bamboo until it is just beyond Jasper’s grasp. He gets up on his hind legs and swings his paws - as if he is swatting a passing butterfly (which he also likes to do - he has a mean, sadistic streak). Of course, the cat always gets the cream - and, I often relent, and eventually allow Jasper to grasp the bamboo with both of his front paws. Licking, intently at the tuna mayo, Jasper gives me an unpleasant and dismissive glare (I often think, if someone was to shrink me down to the size of a mouse, Jasper will toy with me, squash me and rip me apart with his claws - he is a cat of little loyalty). Jasper and I have never really hit it off, he’s a bit like Garfield, though I wish him to be like another of my favourite animated cats - Henry (see above) who, I vaguely remember, liked to eat jelly baby sandwiches.

Going out, without going out

The three pop videos I watch, as a sequence - they are the holy trinity in my book - they compensate for the times I don’t go out (frequent these days)… I pretend to have an exotic cocktail, and then I prepare my Horlicks (or Ovaltine) before trudging off to bed. Thank you Gaga, Beyonce, Katy, Cheryl, Nadine, Sarah, Nicola and Kimberley - you’ve made me very happy (and saved me a lot of money too!)

VIDEO 1. The Warm Up - GIRLS ALOUD - Biology

VIDEO 2. Sustaining the toe-tapping fun - KATY PERRY - Hot n Cold


VIDEO 3. The Climax - Gaga & Beyonce - Telephone


… and as I said - I prepare my malty drink, but not before jousting with Jaspar the cat. Goodnight.

Is there a French Phonetic Society?

Oo somm noo?

You mock me sir!?

Mock Tudor

Ever wanted to knock on the door of a mock Tudor house?

Imagine. You are strolling, no… scrunching your way along the gravel pathway. Finally, you arrive at the door - you knock. There’s a smell of the nouveau riche.

A banker’s wife answers the door - she is deeply suspicious. But you reflect your suspician back upon her - for she is not dressed in (mock) Tudor attire. You berate her for cocking-a-snook at historical epochs and turn on your heels to towards the electric Georgian gates (tut tutting as they loom large in your sights).